Today started as one of those days that could go either way, I could pull my head out of my ass and get some work done, motivate myself to be positive. Or I could just as easily fall into a pit of hopelessnes and curl up into a ball of tears and snot.
I had a moment of realisation that has culminated in the first option and asked myself “If my parents were here, would they be happy with how things are going for me?” My answer was an instant no, but not because they wouldn’t be proud of the things I have done, but because I myself do not feel happy and proud. I have been worrying so much about finding ways to make them proud, It never dawned on me before that making myself happy would be the only way to do that. Some people may think “what does it matter, your parents arent actually here to see any of this”, and yet whilst this is sadly the case, it has always felt important to measure my success on whether they would be proud. I am starting to realise that focusing on it the way I do is an impossibility, I need a new approach.
I have to accept that they were people who loved me dearly and cared hugely about my wellbeing, and because of this they would have always been proud. It is not them I am trying to please, I am using them as a back up reason for whenever things do not go my way, “next time ill try harder to make them proud, im not happy because im not making them proud” when in actual fact I am not happy with my career and academic situation because I hold myself back, I am the only person here stopping me from moving forward, I hold all the cards yet refuse to play any out of fear of failure. Well yes failure feels horrible, but what if I succed? Success doesn’t necessarily mean that I have to be rich or famous, success is in the small day to day achievements that I do not give myself credit for. Starting now each day I am vowing to give myself credit for something no matter how small, now I know that this is not going to stop my day to day anxieties or missing my parents, but it’s the start of me trying to gain back some control, some clarity. Everyone needs a wake up moment no matter how small, and if you are reading this and feeling in the same situation, I encourage you to undertake this personal challenge too! You don’t have to share it as I am doing, but just give yourself a break!
Today I give myself credit for showing up, I got myself up, manoeuvred into the hideous queue of traffic outside my home and drove through the concrete jungle of grumpy morning drivers and horrid roundabouts. It may not sound like a lot, butsimply thinking of that journey somedays is enough to stop me from doing it, but today I did it, I am here and I am feeling more positive for it. Now it’s your turn…