Where is this going?

When you are not sure where your current path is going it can be very daunting.  I often sit thinking about the degree I am studying wondering what route it will take me, and more than that what route do I want it to take me?

Looking into the future and attempting to plan out the time ahead of me has always scared me, time is ephemeral, we do not know what it holds or how anything pans out, and because of this I hate planning for the future as I feel it will not go the way in which I want it to.

This is an issue facing me at the moment within a university module, we are constantly being asked where this course will take us and what we are going to do after it.  I have become so scared of planning for things ahead, that it is currently hindering what I do right now.

I don’t plan for the future, but simultaneously I don’t feel like I live in the moment. I worry about everything, yet don’t really put anything into action to help these worries.  It needs to stop, how can anyone else help ease my anxieties, if I do not help myself?

I am also finding that the longer I put off doing things due to my aversion to planning, the harder they are getting, and sometimes over ridiculous reasons.  For instance when negative thoughts and anxieties take over, the logical part of your brain stops.  You no longer go to a lecture because you need to, instead you think “What’s the point, im crap anyway and nobody likes me”.  Now logically I know that there has been nothing said to back this up in any way, but those thoughts can become very powerful and controlling.  When you have lost confidence in your work and you compare yourself to everyone else logic no longer factors in your thoughts.  You then sit and over think everything until you start writing a blog post and rambling like a lunatic trying to make sense of the mess of thoughts in your mind.  Although I started this blog expecting nothing to come from it, oddly writing a few things down does seem to give them a little bit of perspective, even if it is just for a brief period of time.  I empathise with anyone else that has a brain that works in overdrive 95% of the time, having what feels like 1 hundred conversations with yourself at once is not pleasant.

 

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