Usually anywhere with lots of people would immediately make me feel nervous and hot, but there are ome or two coffee shops that actually do the opposite and make me feel comfortable to sit alone. This is mainly because quite a lot of people will come here for an hour or so a day with a book of some work to do and occupy themselves with the warmth of a coffee. Coming here makes me feel like one of them as odd as that sounds, and I rarely feel like I belong.
Today I am venturing back to uni after slipping for a while, it took a lot of mental preparation to leave the house, especially when the queue of traffic meant I had to manoeuvre off my drive and hopefully not hit anything. All those people in the cars can see me and will know if I mess up, but I am determined. I took a year out of uni to make myself better, I do not want to ruin it all by slipping backwards, although I fear it may be too late.
I have started this blog to work alongside a project I am working on entitled “Growing Pains” which is all about the depiction of grief and anxiety. I lost my parents at 17 (almost 10 years ago), a horrible loss for the whole family, one which I feel I have never fully dealt with. I am the type of person who rarely voices any thoughts or feelings, I keep myself to myself and tend to make very bad jokes to act like I am fine and deflect any risk of being asked how I am, I have my Dad to thank for my awful humour.
Lately I am finding getting older without their guidance to be somewhat of a struggle, and As I can’t find the words to physically speak, I will type them instead. I have no idea if it will help put my thoughts into perspective, or even help me at all, my only real hope is that there is someone else out there similar to me who will understand my nonsensical ramblings and thoughts.